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Bringing The Past Into The Present

March 6, 2012

Met a new colleague today.

Through our conversation during lunch, I realised that she really went through alot.

She’s a 30+ single parent bringing up a 14 year old daughter.

Getting a divorce was truly a blessing in disguise.

She used to be what people call a 小女人, and her then-husband was a total MCP.

But what she went through, made her so much stronger as a person.

She told me something that really made me think, and I felt that it totally made sense.

Why do we bring our past relationships into the present?

What is the point of us bringing it into the present?

It’s in the past for a reason, so why do many of us bring it into a whole new relationship?

Many of us may not have noticed it (if you know that you’re doing so, you’ve really got to stop).

There’re times where we subconciously mention about our exes to our current partners.

It is not a total no-no about talking about the past.

There’s no problem mentioning it.

What I’m trying to say is the process of comparing.

I was really bothered when my boyfee told me about how his ex was able to convince him into listening to her advices and that I should try it to.

Why did this bother me?

I was bothered because I felt that I will never be her in anyway, and from what he described, it wasn’t exactly the kind of thing that I would do.

I believe in giving my partner his very own personal space because I’m sure he needs it.

And the part where I have to try to “debate” my way into having him listen to me?

It just isn’t the way I handle things.

It’s not that I do not care enough to convince him, or that I’m not bothered.

I believe in letting him know my views.

But I do not believe in “forcing” him to see things my way.

I believe that there’re always a pros and cons to things (not referring to EVERYTHING).

My way of doing things is that I will let him know what I think and my reasons for thinking that way.

He can use both my views and his views to make his final decision.

Because at the end of the day, it is still up to him to make his decision.

I’m glad that he knows (at least I hope that he does) that I will never be in anyway similar to his ex.

Second example.

I have insecurity issues.

I’m over sensitive, I think a lot, and love to assume.

People around me knows that it is the worst habit that I have and trust me when I say that I’m trying to kick it.

For my side, I brought my past into my current relationship by putting my over-sensitivity, assumptions and whatnots on the boyfee.

It did screw us up for abit.

But he told me, ” How can you just assume that your ex was an asshole and whichever guy you’re meeting next will be the same?”

I know by having me make such assumptions it upset him a lot.

And making him upset, I was too.

It took me forever to get through to myself about what I was doing.

It was only when I had a proper talk with Baldwin that I realised that what I was doing to the boyfee was what my ex did to me.

And it was really unfair, and being someone who suffered through all that crap for two years, I should know better about how it feels to be on the receiving end.

And I really regretted my doings.

Back to the conversation during lunch.

My colleague’s advice to me was that we (the boyfee and I) should stop bringing our past in to the present relationship.

Because……

1) There’s no way that either of us can be in any way like the other’s ex, both good and bad ways.

2) Being in a relationship, we should accept each other for who we really are. There is no point in trying to “mould” each other into something that we deemed perfect. Yes, it may work. But it is possibly a temporary change. And why do you want to change someone into someone else when the person whom you’ve fallen for is right infront of you, just the way he/she is?

By making the choice of taking the next step of being in a relationship, isn’t it evidence that you’re willing to accept him/ her for who he/she is then?

The relationship is between the both of us and not with our exes (because that will totally make it an equation that will never be balanced).

It totally made sense to me.

By not bringing our past into the present, we will be able to see each other more clearly for who we truly are.

We are not perfect, we are flawed.

If you really love your partner, love him/her for who he/she really is.

And please DO NOT in anyway compare him/her to your exes.

Because they will never ever be a clone of your ex.

The reason why it is a “nay” to bringing the past into the present?

By doing so, you’re simply hoping for the impossible.

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